By Simone Justice
Whether you are a nervous novice contemplating your first experience or a weekly visitor at the local house of domination, read this article to learn how to find the dominatrix of your dreams (and how not to become her nightmare).
During my years as a professional dominatrix, numerous conversations with my peers revealed common preferences in regards to conduct and protocol for booking appointments. Below, I outline crucial advice for the client seeking a session:
LIST YOUR INTERESTS
Make a list of the your likes/dislikes to share with the dominatrix, preferably emailed before your first session, so that she will understand what you want from your appointment.
Don’t be concerned that she will only be doing what you want her to do; an experienced dominatrix knows how to take your requests into consideration and still be in control of the session. She can also use the information you provide to suggest other things you may find interesting.
If you aren’t sure what to include on your list, pay attention to your fantasies: if you fantasize about a certain kink or fetish frequently, you will probably enjoy it in session.
Categorize your list into things that you
(A) have tried and know that you like,
(B) are willing to try
(C) do not want to do.
Don't leave anything out just because you are embarrassed or anxious or you wish that you didn't want to try it. This is your chance to fulfill your fantasies. Don’t think that the dominatrix will lose respect for you or be shocked by your interests; trust me, she’s heard it all before.
DETERMINE YOUR LEVEL OF PLAY
Go back over your list of interests. Realistically evaluate whether you want Light, Medium, or Heavy play in each area of interest. Remember that the types of play may be combined in session, which may increase the sensation. If you haven’t yet tried something, rate it as Light.
Most importantly, do not say "you can do anything with me, Mistress", because if she’s convinced, a dominatrix might use the opportunity to satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it. Don't try to please or impress by overstating your limits...you won't!
Special Equipment
Most dominatrices will have the basics, such as a paddle, a flogger, a crop, etc., but some BDSM play requires specific equipment. Figure out and list your equipment needs, such as: suspension rig, cross-dressing wardrobe, hood, etc. Don't assume that every dominatrix can provide the correct equipment; only the most experienced dominatrices have studios stocked with everything you might need. Furthermore, if you have a specific fetish for something unusual, such as "cabled knee socks", go out and buy the necessary equipment or wardrobe to present to the dominatrix in session.
Decide What You Actually Need In A Dominatrix
Think about the most important qualities you would like to find in a dominatrix. Consider such elements as intelligence, personality, physical appearance, and style of play. Some dominatrices have a friendly, compassionate, flexible play style, while others have a distant, haughty, imperial play style.
In order to learn about a client's preferences, I often asked them whom they have seen in the past, what worked with her, and what did not work. Try going over your history to determine the fundamental characteristics of a successful encounter.
Decide what sort of relationship you want. Do you like the short- term anonymity that a house, which employs several dominatrices, can provide, or do you prefer a long-term personal interaction with an independent Dominatrix?
Independent Or House Dominatrix?
Think about which is right for you, an independent dominatrix who works for herself or one on staff at a house of domination.
There are pros and cons for each. Women who work independently may have a private studio (or rent from another dominatrix), generally are experienced, may even be lifestyle, and offer a more personal and long-term connection. However independents are more expensive, sometimes very selective about their submissives, may not see novices, and are less likely to see you at the last minute.
Houses of domination are less expensive, more convenient, and offer easy opportunity for double and group sessions. However, dominatrices at a house are sometimes less experienced, may not be genuinely into BDSM, and often will not stay around for long.
Please note:
These distinctions are less reliable than when this article was first written as now it is so easy for anyone to post on the internet and call themselves a dominatrix...that independent status no longer means as much - see below for hints on how to discern the difference between a beginner and expert dominatrix.
LOOK AT WEBSITES & SOCIAL MEDIA
Keeping what you have determined to be important for your session in mind, look at websites for dominatrices in your area. Generally, dominatrices with their own websites are more serious than ones who only advertise on websites such as Eros or just have a Twitter or Instagram account.
A good place to start are well-established websites where the serious professional dominatrices get listed, such as dickievirgin.com and Pandemos.net
Look for mentions of your specific interests, but don't assume that a dominatrix is not into your fantasy just because it isn't listed.
Previously, I warned against the dominatrix who does not show her face in photos…but with the advent of the internet plus the ease and permanence of sharing photos today…this caveat no longer applies.
Do not allow yourself to be swayed away from your specific needs just because a dominatrix looks good in photos or she is wearing your favorite fetish wear; you will be disappointed if you are mismatched in other crucial areas.
Please note:
Much about finding a dominatrix has changed since this article was first published. There are now so many dominatrices in every part of the world that it has become difficult to find the great ones...see below for some pointers.
Tips on Discerning The Expertise of a Dominatrix
It has become necessary for clients to conduct research in order to find a safe, experienced dominatrix. Elaborate fetish wear in leather and latex, quality toys and BDSM furniture are expensive (though getting much cheaper these days), which means a dominatrix needs some success to acquire them. Look for photos and videos that prove she has made an investment in domination. Does she have all the components of a fetish wardrobe? Entire outfits including accessories like gloves, hats, and expensive items such as thigh-high leather boots show a she is willing and able to invest in her sessions. One pic of a woman in cheap lingerie on a bed with a PVC paddle in her hand is not a good sign!
Has she trained with someone experienced? Studying under an experienced dominatrix is the best way to become skilled in the art of domination. When starting out, I took classes and worked for the legendary Sabrina Belladonna (may she Rest In Power), and I learned by working alongside some of the best. Later, I started giving back by mentoring dominants.
Learning from an established ProDomme used to be standard practice but now has unfortunately become rare. Those who have sought out this kind of training show their commitment to the craft...now more than ever.
Read for clues of expertise in her writing. Does she rely on stereotypical attitude and a predictable stance of arrogance in an attempt to sound dominating? Or does she demonstrate a true understanding of BDSM play and the realities of orchestrating a scene?
Does she travel to fetish events and conferences? Or better yet, does she perform or speak at them?
What level of play does she list? If she only specializes in light interests (such as foot fetish) or if she concentrates on interests that do not require much skill, do not expect her to have the experience or equipment necessary for a sophisticated intense encounter.
Does she have a good reputation? Look for reviews on dominatrix listing websites, if you don’t find any reviews on her, post a request for input from other clients in a forum.
It has become CRITICAL that you consider these elements when choosing a dominatrix, as there are many great looking women out there whom you will find disappointing in session. Furthermore, some have no ethics such as those who expose their celebrity clients.
BE CAREFUL
Don't think that less is more. Do not try to save money by going to someone based on cost alone.
BEWARE: if she doesn't know what she’s doing, she could seriously hurt you. Not just in person. You can be mentally and emotionally harmed in any interaction.
Especially Take Care of Youself, Financially
If funds are a concern, I advise visiting a well-known house of domination as opposed to an inexpensive independent. Independent dominatrices with fully equipped spaces and extensive wardrobes have high overhead, and will demand a higher tribute, but they generally have more technical and safety expertise.
BEWARE - The super hot, young "Domme" who wants to ruin and blackmail you...I hear horrible accounts of what some people will do to make money. And most of them know nothing about how to Dominate, their skills extend to merely yelling stock insults and trying to grab as much cash as they can before you realize they have no idea how to truly play. (i. e. I don't need threats, raising my voice, cussing, or being rude to make someone super submissive in minutes)
HOW TO WRITE AN INTRODUCTION
Write a polite, submissive, concise email outlining your specific interests including your kink thresholds (i.e. light spanking, heavy flogging).
You must include whatever information she has requested or you might not receive an answer.
What to do if she requires references and you are a total novice:
Go to a reputable house of domination in her area, for your first sessions. She can contact someone she knows there.
And keep looking some very famous dominatrices take walk-ins.
Be sure to pay an online tribute or send a gift card along with your resume, if requested (extra points, if not requested).
Dominatrices often screen applicants by ignoring the ones that fail to demonstrate their sincerity. This is necessary because there are so many applicants and many are insincere or nowadays they are even trying to scam ProDommes (ha ha I know their little tricks).
Unless requested, you do not have to send a photo of yourself.
NEVER SEND A DICK PIC. Dominatrices hate that.
Clearly indicate the dates you are going to be in her area, if traveling, and write well in advance as most dominatrices get so much correspondence they can't keep up. Many ProDommes won't even discuss a session unless you are already in the same location.
Be patient. She is probably not going to have time to get back to you immediately.
HOW TO BOOK A SESSION:
Of course you’ll be nervous when you contact her; that’s expected, everybody is nervous. Just follow my directions whether making an appointment:
Text, Call, or Chat, at a decent time.
Do not send Direct Messages, Emails, Chats, Texts, etc. wasting her time with "Hi" she will be annoyed. Do you text your medical doctor to say "Hi"???
Don't hang up when she answers or call just to hear her voice on the outgoing voicemail she will have caller ID and probably won't answer blocked numbers, so it will make her angry with you. She might block you or refuse to see you.
Introduce yourself before you start asking questions. Every day I had to interrupt inadvertently rude excited callers to find out to whom I was speaking because they launched right away into their scene...most annoying!
If you are making up a name choose something unusual instead of Bob, Steve, Mark, or John - there are already too many of those. Choose something unusual and easy for both of you to remember.
If a receptionist answers, let her do her job. She has been educated to answer your questions hired to book appointments.
When contacting a dominatrix, ask if she is seeing new clients, tell her what you seek, ask questions about her facility, experience level, her specialties or interests, hours, tribute, etc.
Don't try to press her into admitting she does certain things such as toilet training, pegging or anal play. Those activities are illegal and she may not want to discuss them and may even falsely deny that she does them in session, so you aren't going to know anyway. Indicate how important those interests are to you and see if she still encourages you to visit her. However, do pay attention if she makes a point of letting you know she never accommodates those interests. Yes, I know that many dominatrices these days have no qualms about admitting to illegal acts and even post photos and videos. Just know that not everybody is so cavalier about illegal activities.
Remember that she is assessing you, so don't keep her on the phone with repetitive questions or idle chitchat, or send a long email. Let her know that you respect and value her time.
Go ahead and tell her your secret desires, even if you feel embarrassed. She has probably heard it all before.
Don't make an appointment if it sounds like you won't like her, she is too pushy or disrespectful, or you seem mismatched.
Don't book a time if you can't make it or if you aren't really sure.
Pay the deposit. It is not a scam. Reputable dominatrices need to keep their good standing, so she is not trying to rip you off. She just needs to be sure that if you no-show, she doesn't lose money on her dungeon rental or hotel room. ProDommes often take deposits when traveling as they have rented the play space.
Write down the directions and address including suite number. Note any assignments she gives you and her answers to your questions so that you can review the information later. Trust me, you won't remember it because you are too excited.
If you can't keep your appointment, cancel as soon as possible. She will appreciate it because no-shows cost money since she saved that time for you by turning down other bookings.
THE APPOINTMENT:
Finally, playtime! But don't mess it up now.
Follow Directions...Consider It Part Of The Play:
Confirm as instructed.
Be on time. Early arrival is just as bad as late arrival.
Be Discreet
Be discreet outside of her studio. She doesn’t want her neighbors to see clients waiting around, it is best to stay in your car until immediately prior to your session. Obviously, arriving in attire other than street wear would be an indiscretion. Do not talk about S&M outside her studio.
Especially, do not engage in play outside her studio. Do not kneel outside her door or call her “Mistress” in the hallway. Leave play for the privacy of her chambers where such behavior is proper. Discretion goes both ways.
Keep it Safe and Fun
Take responsibility for your own safety and enjoyment. Speak up immediately about any safety concerns or if you are not enjoying the session - an experienced dominatrix will appreciate and utilize the information.
Leave if the dominatrix is not who you saw in the photo/video.
Leave if she does not have promised elements necessary to your scene, such as specific equipment or wardrobe.
Leave if the space is dirty or looks poorly maintained; that may indicate unsafe practices.
LEAVE if she seems to be drunk or on drugs - intoxication is a very dangerous combination with BDSM. People die that way.
What to Expect in Session
A receptionist might answer the door or the dominatrix may answer in street clothes. You might have to wait in a room for her to finish up with another client. You might have to fill out a questionnaire about your likes/dislikes. You might be required to pay up front. You might be left to take off your clothes after a brief meeting with the dominatrix (but she probably won't tell you to undress, so take a hint). She might give you a safeword (a word that will let her know you can't take more of the same) before she starts to play. Act according to her direction - some dominatrices demand strict adherence to conduct befitting a slave, others don't care if you act submissive or not.
What NOT to Expect in Session
Don't have unrealistic expectations the session will not match your fantasies perfectly. And definitely do not bring a line-by-line script. Be open to her and let her do her thing you might find it better than your script.
Nudity
She will not wear less than lingerie.
Sex - There Really Really is No Sex
Realize that when a dominatrix says "no sex" she truly means it in the broadest interpretation. There will be no sex of any kind. None.
Know that she won't be taking off her clothes, massaging, or letting you kiss intimate body parts,or doing anything that ends in -job. Go to see one of the wonderful people who offer those services.
HOW TO BE INVITED BACK
Be clean. Be very clean.
Be respectful. Be obedient.
If you want to make an impression, bring her a little something such as a gag, blindfold, candle, gift card or flowers. Better yet, see if she has a wishlist or ask her if there is something specific that she would appreciate. Often, I used to request a sandwich, because I had so little time to eat between my sessions.
Go over your list of likes/dislikes with the receptionist or dominatrix so that it is fresh in her mind. You can bring a printout but do not expect her to accept it. Do not bring a script. Experienced dominatrices abhor scripts.
Speak up if she pushes you beyond your limits - a good dominatrix will appreciate the input without being threatened. Don't try to impress by surpassing your limits; you will both regret it.
Understand that she may have another client waiting, don't hang around so long that you put her into an uncomfortable situation.
Help her to clean up.
Keep your curiosity about her to yourself rather than asking personal questions.
Demonstrate your gratitude tell her how great the session was and that you want to see her again. It is not too early to book your next appointment.
Tipping
If she works in a house of domination and you enjoyed the session, tip her. House dominas only get a percentage of the full tribute. It is not necessary to tip an independent dominatrix or HeadMistress (the owner of a house of domination). Only do so if you feel compelled by excellence.
FOLLOW-UP
Afterwards write down your impressions, then wait a few days to fully assess your reactions. Sometimes you will find activities that were unpleasant in session, are actually quite exciting afterwards. This is a common experience. Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, disliked during, and relished after the act.
Evaluate whether you want to see her again and figure out the positive and negative elements of your session so that you can pass that information on to the next dominatrix you see whether it is her, or someone else.
Adjust your resume, if you have learned more about your preferences and capabilities.
When you write or call again don't be vague saying "Hi, its Joe" she probably speaks to a lot of men named Joe. Remind her of who you are by name, appearance, and what you did in session, without her having to ask.
If you adhere to my advice, you will know enough about proper protocol to realize your fantasies in an appointment with your dream dominatrix.
About This Article:
I first published it in 1995 on my original website. Back then, there wasn't so much info on BDSM so the article became very popular, has been widely plagiarized, and is still often featured on other websites than my own. Even so, it is intricately associated with me as the author, which is why I call it "The Article".
I wrote it to help clients find, book an appointment with, and hopefully be invited back by, a professional dominatrix. Much has changed since the initial version, mostly due to the proliferation of the internet and recently with the influx of new people freed by media coverage to be less isolated and more open about their fantasies. While the majority of the original text has been maintained, I regularly update it to improve its usefulness and relevance
UPDATED JANUARY, 2020
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